I like to think of myself as open-minded. I believe rules – especially in social interactions – are loose guidelines at best. This mindset has provided me many an opportunity that would be lost on those trapped by the shackles that come with fair play, instructions, laws, etiquette, etc. As long as you know what you need to pacify your audience you can enjoy life and definitely experience some fun.
Unfortunately, my companions do not feel the same way.
Each of them seem devoted to something – magic, employers, Sigmar the Passive Aggressive, love – the list goes on and on. Not to mention, dare I say it, a personal code of ethics shiver. I mean these people are serious. They embrace the rules like Heinrich embraces my leg when he sees a poodle.
Let’s start with Earwaxmus. The old dude is awesome. He can make fire, shoot lazer beams out of his eyes, shit flames, you name it. Who wouldn’t want a friend like that? However, he is constantly angry. Even when he’s not noticeably angry, he’s disgusted. For example, this morning I saw him on the panzerfaust, and casually called over to him. You would think I hit him with a overripe tomato. I came over and he was sulking, reading, picking at his food – welcoming each and every person with his trademark scowl – like someone took a dump on his plate. I tried to brighten his spirits, but to no avail. Although, I did notice that his demeanor picked up when Leezy came over. Maybe he’s just lonely for some female attention? WAIT A MINUTE!! It just hit me! It just so happened he noticed some villain was following him right about the time she came up and joined us! Coincidence? I DON’T THINK SO! I ran off to get EisaneedamanbecauseI’mahelplesself so we could assist, but he was just getting rid of me! The old curmudgeon has some game!!! Yeah, there’s an obvious age difference there – we’re talking epic proportions – but who knows? She could be attracted to the hair sticking out of his ears, or maybe that goiter on his neck. Anything is possible. Maybe if he had some time alone with her it would pick up his spirits? Of course I would need to break her heart. She follows me around like a school girl, begging for attention. “Look at me Otto! Check out my ankles! Take me! Take me!” Rich girls are the worst. Repressed.
We walked around a bit, talked to some people, saw some people dancing, blah blah blah. It was all the same “See my friend the fisherman?, Why is the world falling apart?, Otto will you save me?, Kiss me Otto!” It was all getting really old. However, things picked up when we separated. I convinced Jaybird to take a walk with me back to the pansieforrest to look for the same guy that Erasmusauraus sent Eisaneedtostartwearingunderpants to follow, knowing good and well we’d never find him. I just wanted to grab a beer in a great bar. I was thinking this would be the perfect chance to get to know the dwarf. Besides his obvious elf infatuation, I know nothing of him except that he’s from Krakarakalama. I figured a few beers would loosen him up. I actually thought we lost the rest of the group until I turned around and saw my little groupie Leese quietly following behind. Poor thing.
This is where I differ from my pals. As we’re walking along we run smack dab into a mobile tavern!!!! No kidding! It’s like this castle on wheels and it’s a DWARVEN BAR! People are screaming, yelling, serving drinks, partying – it’s a friggin’ party! I turn to Jailtime and try to get him to come with me – No deal. I PICKED THE ONLY LEMON OUT OF THE WHOLE DWARVEN KINGDOM! He wouldn’t even visit with his brethren. He just walked off. Well, I wasn’t going to waste this chance to expand my cultural education concerning dwarvenkind, so I went inside.
I have to admit, now that I think back the details are a bit fuzzy, but I do remember seeing hairy dwarven breasts, knocking a guy out with a rock, drinking some of the stiffest beer I’ve ever had, and to top it off – being fired out of a catapult! It is quite possibly one the best exchange student scenarios I could have asked for. As I flew through the air I could see everything – my kingdom!!! I even saw fireworks being shot up from the dock area!!! When I landed in the hay-filled wagon, I walked out to the roar of the crowd! I remember being hoisted up on shoulders and being made king of all the Dwarven lands.
That’s when I heard the voice of Brother Ovarian telling me we needed to go. He didn’t even kneel! I was going to say something when everyone appeared at once to congratulate me. Somewhere between “Otto I give my body to you” and “Otto I am now your squire” I remembered the fireworks at the dock. When I mentioned it to the group they started dragging me down the street. It wasn’t exactly a regal procession.
About three blocks down my head was starting to hurt. I’ve had hangovers before, but not with that quick of a turnaround! The group was talking about explosions at the dock when we saw two guys running past us; the opposite direction from the boat. I have no clue why, but Jamel and the wizard ran after the two guys. I could have followed the rest of the group down to the docks, but when I saw Eradel face plant on the cobblestones I knew they were screwed.
We followed the two guys into the Pig where magic started flying! We had one guy frozen in place, and the other running through the kitchen. I chased him thinking I was going slice his ass in half, but in my head I couldn’t help but think “What if this guy is just late getting home from bar? Why are we chasing them in the first place?” Before I knew it I was hilt deep in the guy’s side, rays of light were blasting his eyeballs out of his skull, and I felt like throwing up. What’s really weird is when I stabbed the guy I heard this evil laughter – which I have to admit unnerved me. That’s when I noticed the damn Goblin dagger in my hand. I thought I had traded that away? Oh well, I just stuck it in the pack again – whatever.
Walking back out to the main bar area, J-Rock was holding the other guy by the scruff of his neck. The guy’s leg looked awfully broken. I have a feeling he’s going to have a matching one after we’re done talking to him. Which brings me to right now we’re all sitting around talking. Apparently Eisahero saved a couple kids and a woman from the burning, sinking, merchant ship. We’ll never hear the end of it now. Brother Orifice almost drowned – he needed the debutante to save him. Sigmar to the rescue? Ummmmmmmmmmmmm no.
Guess what? THIS IS WHAT I CALL FUN! We definitely need to do more of this…well, minus the headache.